I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
