Ambien. No doubt about it.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
