I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
