hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
