What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
