Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
