Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
