the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
