i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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