Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My penis needs a shock collar
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
