I'm eating all of the evidence.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
