i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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