I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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