omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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