She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
well, you know. whores of a feather.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
