got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
