I love black thongs
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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