I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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