you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
