I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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