I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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