part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
