I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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