Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
