Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
