What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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