Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful