I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
