I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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