You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Randomize
