Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
