My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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