Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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