im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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