My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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