her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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