I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
