i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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