Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
