Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
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