How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
