she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
