Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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