My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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