both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
