My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
