you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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