exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
