tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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