Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
