i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He? As in you personified your dick?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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