Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
