I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
