I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Operation Purity has been aborted
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
