I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
should my penis look like a turkey
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
