do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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