Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
