i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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