It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
