I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Dicks are not precious.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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