I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
