last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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