I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
